


Mojo You Little SHIT

by Bomani_Akila_Neteru



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, Deadliest Enemy is Mojo, Humor, Humping Chihuahua, Ironhide is scarred for life, Judy needs put on a leash, Mega-triss, Mojo is a little shit, Mojo loves Ironhide, Oh yeah its a crack fic, Opti-sass Prime, Parody, Poor Sam, Sass War, Sass battles, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is why pets aren't allowed on base, i tried to be funny again, poor baby, what have I created?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 10:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12319533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bomani_Akila_Neteru/pseuds/Bomani_Akila_Neteru
Summary: Sam’s parents were visiting him on base; and they brought Mojo with them. Run Ironhide run! The little dog wants sweet, sweet lovin’s! It doesn’t help that Opti-sass Prime and Mega-triss are on the scene.





	Mojo You Little SHIT

**Author's Note:**

> Crack fic ahoy! Brace yourselves for impact!

Sam nervously fidgeted in the main hanger, unable to help the small, occasional quick pacing motions he went through. He had been living on the base for a little while now, and hadn’t seen his parents in a few months. They were going to be arriving in just a handful of minutes. Hence his nervous pacing and fidgeting. His mother was a… handful to say the least, and he worried over what exactly she would do this time.

The college incident was still fresh in his mind. Sam shuddered.

Only to stop short as the loud roar of a jet’s engines sounded. His head tilted back to search the small amount of the sky he could see from his current position, bringing a hand up as he did so to shield his eyes from the bright sun the island was subjected to. Past the bright light, he could just make out the shape of the small jet; and hurriedly stepped back out of the way, despite the fact that he was already far out of its landing zone. Nerves were clearly getting to the boy, despite reassurances.  
The jet slowed, touched down, and came to a stop by the end of the hanger. It barely had a chance to completely shut down before the door in the side was being thrown open- rather aggressively- and Judy Witwicky was practically leaping down from the confines of the flying metal can of doom with her husband Ron right on her heels.

Hurrying forward, Sam met them halfway across the room. He opened his mouth to greet them, but didn’t exactly get a chance to as he was instantly crushed into an overly loving and excited hug. Too bad it felt like it was crushing all of his bones into dust. After a few moment of wheezing and Ron trying to convince his wife not to accidentally kill their son with affection, Sam was thankfully dropped to his feet.  
“Oh but I missed my baby so much!” Judy pouted and Sam mumbled under his breath about not being a baby anymore,  
“Good to see you, boy.” Ron brought him in a half-hug before releasing him, “Got anywhere we can put this stuff?”  
“Prowl said you can just leave it here, a soldier will be by to pick it up-” Sam stopped abruptly, seeing a pet carrier under his mother’s arm, which shook once in awhile with little yipping growls.

His stomach dropped.

“Mom… what- what’s that?” The young man raised a finger to point, almost accusingly, at the shaking crate,  
“I couldn’t just leave him home alone!” Judy instantly snapped to the defensive, her tone almost whiny and weedling,  
“Mom, you can’t. No pets on base, remember?” Sam’s voice stranded nearly painfully,  
“It's only for a bit, Sam.” Ron sighed, clapping his son on the shoulder, “Besides, you know how your mom gets. I argued with her for three hours.”  
“Did not!” Judy defended, scowling, and Ron just gave her a deadpanned look, clearly tired of it all and just wanting to drop it. Sam groaned and rubbed at his face. Honestly, what were the Autobots going to say? They didn’t exactly have fond memories of the small dog. Especially a certain black weapons specialist.

A clicking noise had his head jerking up and expression turning horrified.

“Mom, mom no. Please, no, not here- outside, c’mon-” Sam’s voice went up an octave as he desperately tried to convince Judy not to do what she was doing,  
“He hasn’t been able to go to the bathroom the whole plane ride, Sam.” She scolded him, letting the little chihuahua out of his box.  
“He couldn’t’ve waited five minutes longer for you to take him to the grass??” He was going to lose his shit, he swore to Primus and God above.  
“Sam, yer parents get here yet-” Sam froze at the booming voice, its owner have just entered the room before freezing in place.  
The dog looked up from peeing on the concrete and stared, those large, googly eyes getting even bigger.

“Ironhide- RUN!” Sideswipe’s yell came from around the corner, but he didn’t have to tell Ironhide what he already knew. The black bot turned on his heel, and fled at full speed down the hallway.  
“MOJO NO! GET BACK HERE!” As if the dog was going to listen now that it had found its mate. It was only a few minutes before they were completely out of site.  
Sam groaned, scrubbing at his face. Gods why?? What had he done to deserve this?  
“Well, at least he’s getting his exercise.” Judy beamed.

“MOM!”

XxX

Ironhide tore through the base at high speeds, feet pounding furiously. He carefully leaped between groups of humans, doing his best not to step on anyone. Behind him, he could hear that damned mutt yipping, and doing its damndest to catch him.  
He wasn’t about to let it.  
Skittering around another corner, Ironhide barely avoided slamming face first into the wall due to his raw speed.

Blurr would be impressed, honestly, if he wasn’t busy trying to scramble out of the way.

“Dammit Ratchet HELP ME!” The weapons specialist roared as he charged through the med bay. Apparently the medic had been warned, as he was tucked up with his knees to his chest, hands on top of said knees, and sitting atop his desk amid the mess he called ‘research’.  
“Nope.” Ratchet grunted and eyed Mojo like most would a needle in a doctor’s office. Chances were if he tried to save Ironhide, he would only manage to be on the receiving end of the dog’s affections himself.

Ironhide was on his own, as far as he was concerned.

Snarling in frustration and fear, the black Autobot leaped over a berth on his way to the door and stumbled through, keeping just ahead of the tiny terror. He shoved off of the walls as he leaped down the hallway, propelling himself forward faster.  
“Jazz, do something! Prowl!” Ironhide yelled out at the two bots as he passed by them, not daring to slow down as he pleaded,  
“Sorr’eh big bot, yer on yer own!” Jazz cackled, and Prowl withdrew from the scene with wide eyes, looking scandalized as he saw Mojo chasing him, his intentions towards the cannon toting Autobot clear.  
“You're all useless!” Groaning in frustration, Ironhide tried to push himself to run faster.

He could only hope that he could outlast the small dog- Autobots didn’t get tired as quickly as organics, after all. But Mojo may as well be hell spawn.

Skidding around another corner recklessly, Ironhide found himself in the back storage rooms. He only took a moment to find himself a large, broken berth- that had been put back there until Ratchet figured out what to do with it- before leaping up on top of it. Thank Primus he remembered it was back here. Then again he helped move it to this area so it was to be expected.

Ironhide clutched the edges of the cracked berth a little tighter as it groaned dangerously under his weight. But, it thankfully didn’t give way. It seemed there was still some use in it after all. Below him, the black bot could hear Mojo yipping and running around the legs of the berth.  
“Go away! Shoo!” He snapped at the small dog, waving at it, “No, don’t do that!” he cringed in horror as Mojo began humping one of the berth’s legs, and groaned. Oh this was simply embarrassing.

And then it got worse; a click resounded throughout the room.

“What-?” Ironhide froze. There, leaning against the wall next to the door, stood his leader.

Opti-sass Prime.

“Mega-triss is so not going to believe this.” Giggled the large Autobot. The tips of his servos and pedes were painted a bright pink, and the huge touch screen phone he held in his hand- the one he had used to take the picture- was covered in a bright pink, fuzzy ladybug cover, complete with antenna.  
“Prime! Not the time!” Ironhide barked, “Help me!”  
“Nah, you look cozy up there.” Opti-sass smirked, “Ta-ta lovely.” with a little wave of his fingers, he sashayed out of the room, leaving the bulky bot to his fate, his evidence in hand.  
“Damn you Prime!” Ironhide’s roar went unanswered, though the Prime did sniff to himself and mutter ‘rude’ under his nonexistent breath.

Without a second to lose, he hurried into his decked out, sparkly office and pounced on the plush bed, video calling his best frien-emy.

“Who is it?” The gray bot that answered sang from where he was perched up on a glittering throne, with Soundwave carefully painting his pedes bright blue with well practiced servos.  
“Oh my Primus! Gurl, you are not gonna believe what happened today!” Opti-sass squealed, grinning,  
“What are you waitin’ for hun?” Mega-triss smirked, shifting a bit and taking on a more sassy position, which Opti-sass followed, “Fill me in!”  
“Well, today Sam- you know, that boy-” he launched into his story.

Conveniently forgetting the Sass battle that they had had earlier that week.

And so, the Sass War would continue.

XxX

Ironhide whimpered as he huddled into himself, trembling as he gazed down at the furry ball of Chihuahua that was just waiting underneath the berth. It was like the little organic never got tired. Never gave up.  
It wouldn’t allow him to leave. It wouldn’t leave him alone.  
He was trapped. Trapped with no way out except to accept his fate.

Ironhide sobbed; there was no freedom here.


End file.
